Rambling and Venting - please excuse

I go back to work one week from today. I'm not excited.

Even though I've been dreading leaving my girls, I have been slowly preparing myself and them. I've been giving Allison breastmilk and formula bottles once or twice a day, and she's been taking them without problem. But, I'm thinking I haven't done enough.

After dinner, I ran up to the store to pick up a few groceries and a few treats for stockings. I was gone less than an hour, when my cell phone rang. I could barely hear Cris asking me to come home over the screaming baby in the background. With the loud cry I was afraid she was hurt or sick, but he said she was just hungry and refused the bottle. "Ha!", I thought. I had planned on going home and sitting with him on the couch, reminding him of proper bottle feeding technique. (He's fed her some with the bottle, but I'm usually there, so I thought maybe he was doing something odd. He was more involved with feeding McKenzie, but it's been three years. Maybe he forgot?) But, when I got there, he was doing everything right. He looked so frustrated. He said he'd tried feeding, burping, walking, swaddling, singing, swinging, everything he could think of, and all she did was scream. And scream she did! Her face was bright red, and tears were running down her pudgy little cheeks.

She never cries, so this bloody murder scream had me worried. Maybe the little cold she got from McKenzie had caused an ear infection? I decided to give it a few more minutes, and then I would call the doctor. I sat down in my big comfy chair and cuddled her close. She quickly relaxed and calmed right down. She stared up at me with big, teary eyes that accused me of abandoning her.

I felt so bad. She didn't want a bottle. She didn't want to nurse. She just wanted her mommy. What a compliment... but what an ouch! What do I do with that? Since I already don't want to go back, I was ready to call up work and tell them I was through. But the sensible part of me started to nag and remind me why I'm going back at all. Right now, we need the security net. Cris works at the Metal-Allergic lab for the Kennecott Copper Mine. Rio Tinto, which owns Kennecott, announced that low copper prices have forced them to lay of thousands of employees around the world. Right now, we don't know where the layoffs will be. Kennecott recently renegotiated a $150,000 decrease in monthly costs from a few suppliers, so they are hoping they will be spared from laying anyone in Utah off at all. And the lab where Cris works (affectionately called the MetLab - yes, I tease him about working in a meth lab, you can laugh too) has been asked to double their test samples each day, and create new shifts. His job should be okay. But what if it's not?

I'm almost ready to take the leap of faith and trust that things will work out. SO not like me! And Cris will jump on board with me, if I feel strongly enough. But, it's not his first choice. He's worried. It would be a huge burden on his shoulders, and I can't feel good about knowingly placing it there. So, I'm back to the chain gang. In less than a week. Gulp!

There are a few lights at the end of the tunnel though. Work has been incredibly slow. After the Christmas rush, I understand there are talks of allowing people to schedule a full a weeks worth of voluntary time off as long as the lull lasts. I'm hoping that goes through. The people who want to work full time can keep doing just that, and I can retain my job "just in case" and work a whole lot less than my normal 12 days a month - and still be a full time employee! Plus, it will be nice to beef up the savings account with the money I do get from working. That would be another tension easier for my hubby.

I'm also hoping that copper prices start to rise, or at least stabilize some. Maybe by February Kennecott will have solid future plans, and Cris will feel safer in his job and in the economy. And maybe then he'll feel it's more work than its worth to leave the girls, and we'll all be happy transforming me into a homemaker. BAH! Who would have thought!?