Warning: I am in a foul mood

Cris worked overtime today. It's not a big deal, it wasn't mandatory - he signed up for it because he enjoys it. I think he's worked SO many 60 hour work weeks on salary at his previous job that actually getting paid more for more work is a sort of novelty to him. We'll see how long that lasts. Anyway, I am used to him working long hours, so when he wants to stay late for overtime pay, I dont get upset about it. (most of the time)

But, today he showed up at home 2 hours later than he told me he'd be. And the first words out of his mouth was disappointment that a hot dinner wasn't waiting for him. HELLO?! It's 9:00 at night! I had dinner waiting for him until 7:30, and when he wouldnt answer my phone call, I put it away. I didnt even get a courtesy call saying he was on his way, or that he'd be later than he originally planned. I think I could have handled him being late - maybe even had sympathy that he had worked a long 16 hour day - but those words (intentional, or not) really pushed my buttons. And, admittedly, I didn't handle it well. It set off one of those "we both know we're being stupid, but neither one of us wants to be the one to give in and end this" bickering sessions.

I finished up some laundry and went off to soak in the tub. Sitting there, I of course, felt guilty. I felt bad for reacting poorly, for not understanding that he was probably dog tired and starving, and for not letting the whole thing blow over. And I felt like a bad wife.

Thats definitely not a good feeling to have. Especially since I struggled with "I'm a bad mom" feelings earlier in the day. (Do you mind if I vent a little more?) I was asked to set up a play group for our ward, and today was the first day we met. It was actually a really great turn out, and I was excited it was coming together. I got a chance to meet a lot of the women I didn't know from our ward and I had a really good time visiting with them while the kids played together at the playground. That is, until the topic of work came up. You see, I am definitely in the minority in my neighborhood - most moms don't work. Thats fine. I have NO problem with their choice. If it works for their family and they are happy, I think it is a wonderful plan. However, I do get tired of the critiques of me working. I mean, COME ON!, my daughter is at home with one of her parents 6 days a week. SIX! Mondays she plays at the neighbors house, and I think that is a good thing - there are other kids there and I think she needs the social inteaction. However, everyone I spoke with made a comment about me working. Here are a few actual remarks: "Maybe if you would take the time to open your heart, Heavenly Father could help you change your priorities" or "You are brave. I could never let someone else raise my child!" or "You should try praying to get over worldliness."

Ummm... okay. How do you respond to something like that? I kept trying to remind myself they were just trying to make conversation, but I wanted to grab them by the shoulders, shake them, and ask them if the comprehended what they were saying. Or at the very least, run away.

Maybe the comments bothered me more than they should have. It's a real possibility, considering those are all worries I have pondered during my (still undecided) quest to work or not. I had decided to wait until the new baby is born and see what my feelings were after being home for three months with my girls... but the unanswered questions and feelings and revolving thoughts were dug back up from the dark place I burried them in. Ugh.

Anyway, this afternoon I was playing with McKenzie and I had her laughing SO hard. Her deep belly laughs had my sides hurting. And somehow, that magic laugh - that magic 30 minute laugh - washed away all of the destructive "bad mom" vibes and had me feeling good again. I am this close to marching in her room, waking her up, and tickling her until that laugh comes back. I could totally use some of that magic now. Especially since I don't think Cris will laugh the same way if I go and try to tickle him or read him a story in a silly voice. Too bad things are that easy in a marriage, right?